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Cornhole Literalist
Cornhole Literalist While the title Cornhole Literalist has, among prominent cornholists, been used only with reference to Glenn Beck, most cornholists are Cornhole Literalists even though they don't know it. Or rather, they do know it but they only know it as the wise know, namely in their gut. Cornhole Literalists are engaged in the literal interpretation of an American Scripture which all non-cornholists and all un-Great Americans can't see and therefore believe doesn't exist. But the actual American Scripture, once alluded to by Joseph Smith but still invisible to the un-Great and un-cornholist, is interpreted by all wise cornholists, those cornholists who know what they are talking about even if they can't see to what they refer or from what they interpret. It is common knowledge that when cornholists grow effeminate and un-American they lack vision and thus the power for the truth enterprise of cornholism. So, in the learning of the art of Cornhole Literalism it has become common practice for stronger or wiser cornholists to exhort their weaker pedagogues to "just be a man so your Cornhole will show!" The Power of the Showing of the Cornhole The exhortation to "just be a man so your Cornhole will show" has of course made many men who can't see the truth of their own Cornhole, namely the truth of the American truth of Robert Cornhole, into able cornholists. But not unsurprisingly the power of showing the cornhole has had wide-ranging effects in the training of students in the sciences, law and, unsurprisingly, dentistry. (After all, Cornhole was the inventor of teeth.) Some theologians, the cornholist Pat Robertson being one, have also begun to interpret the English Scripture written by Jesus in terms of cornholism and the truth enterprise has been the better for it. That is, Pat Robertson has discovered that man's fall from grace was really only man's having been used to make woman. "Eve," he says in a fusion of cornholist axioms. "Is the real axis of evil, gay people made 9-11, women spent all their time crying about it and Muslims are all girls. Thus Muslims will cry when they're cornholed." In other words, Robertson argues that man is punished with effeminacy and given woman because he fails to heed that sacred, gutteral call to cornholism, that sacred exhortation to "just be a man," those sacred visions of the primary founder of the Great America, the cornhole of cornholes, namely Robert Cornhole. And because Muslims don't know English, they can't know what good is and they can't say the phrase "just be a man." "Muslims are women," he says. "Muslims are evil." The Scripture which Cornholists and Men Like Pat Robertson Can See It is known to men who've acquired much learning in cornholism that Robert Cornhole wrote the so-called invisible Scripture and that Joseph Smith revealed it to himself by using seer stones. Glenn Beck, a prominent cornholist and initiate into Mormonism, has called upon the blessed and worshipful Stephen Colbert, perhaps the most prominent cornholist and arguably the only man on earth who can be said to be cornholy or cornholed, to reveal the Scripture to all men, both un-Great and Great. The cornholists await prophet Colbert's revelations and there is good reason to believe that, having already revealed that Robert Cornhole was an American founder, Colbert will reveal the laws of Cornholistry. That hour will be, cornholists know, most climactic. "There will be much bending over for worship and man will live in harmony with fellow man," to quote Robertson's book "Colbert, Hannity and Cornholism: Or, Jesus the Cornholist Lord."